what you don't expect

Over the last 24 hours I have tried to gather my thoughts on how I wanted to go about this post...so here it goes.

The moment finally arrived and I was pregnant, 9 months flew by and I was a month out, going for my first "check" appointment at 36 weeks. The anticipation is there, something is going to have happened, something is going to be going on down there, right? My sister always goes early, that's probably genetic right? WRONG. The doc so kindly states no progression. I thought ok no worries, I'm fine, Sam needs to cook a little longer anyway. Another week passes, we go in, doc with sad eyes says "No change". I am sad but hey, that just means Sam is comfy. Next week, same routine, doc looks up, "no dilation" I think my response was "Nothing, still? What about effacement" I think the doc looks over at Paul then looks back at me, "maybe 50% but that's just a guess". As I got dressed, Paul so kindly says "You know he just told you that so you thought something was happening" Thanks honey, that helped, but once again I thought no worries, I feel good and Sam needs his lungs to develop even more. We go another week and I go for my 39 week appt. My doc is back from vacation and he asks "Had any contractions" I respond, "not really, maybe a few but they haven't hurt" Doc examines me and says "1/2 cm", I look up with tears welled up in my eyes "That's it? What about effacement" doc replies "about 50%, what they told you last week right?" "Yes" Doc leaves the room and it was like someone drugged me with hormones and emotions. I proceed to cry hysterically for the next few minutes. I had no idea why, I mean Sam's heart rate was good, my vitals were good, and I was about to have a baby, so could someone please tell me why I was crying? The doc returns and says, "lets go another week and then we will talk induction". I flood him with questions including some personal ones. "Do you think my body can deliver, is there something preventing him from dropping? Am I big down there? Can we still have sex" Mind you that I ask all of these with tears coming down my cheek and quivering voice. My doc says, "there is nothing to make me think you can't deliver, your body is fine, and for sex, I STRONGLY encourage you to do it and often" I mean did Paul pay him to say that? So after apologizing for crying and state that I am ok, not miserable at all, just having an emotional couple of days I get it together and we leave. I make it to the hallway before the tears come out again. I keep thinking to myself, WHY am I doing this, why am I so upset. Then it hit me, I was getting angry with my body, it was bringing back all the emotional side effects of infertility. I was mad that once again my body wasn't doing what God intended it to do, procreate. I mean I couldn't get pregnant b/c my body didn't do the norm and now, it looks like I can't deliver as I had prepared myself because once again, my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to. Ah maybe we found an answer or maybe I am almost 39 weeks pregnant and have hormones all over the place. Either way, I try to focus on the end result, a BABY, a wonderful indescribable gift that God gave us, and if I delivered via Csection, induction, or naturally, Paul and I would end up with a child. (So I kind of went astray so let me insert that Paul and I want to have a natural childbirth, meaning no pain meds, I have read ALOT of material as so has my mother and Paul to help us prepare, no I am not against pain meds, but I truly wanted to experience it all, especially since this might be our only time for me to have this experience, all that being said, when you want to go natural induction or csection is not what you want) So after figuring out why I was upset, I got it together. Over the next week I kicked up my walking, I had sex, I ate spicy food, I ate Italian food with basil and oregano, I drank raspberry leaf tea, all trying to kick start this labor process. My family was planning on coming in town this weekend b/c surely Sam would be here by then, Right? Needless to say I was a little stressed. I took off this week at work (started semi retirement) and Paul and I went for my last appointment, we guessed all morning about what we thought the doc would say, and well let's just say we were both WAY wrong. Doc came in and did his thing, and by the tone of his voice I knew there once again was no change. I tried to hold back the tears but the word "induction" was said and I lost it, AGAIN at the doctors office. I really really didn't want to be induced. I wanted it to happen the way God planned it to, but when I asked do you think Sam will come on his own, he looked down and then looked up "No". I was heartbroken. We talked about dates because I wanted to try to still help my family out but I didn't want to be induced with no progression really b/c I knew then I was really at risk for an unnecessary Csection, so we settled on Monday. This was to give my body a few more days to naturally progress before science intervenes and we go about it that route. My doc doesn't like to go way past due dates b/c he feels there is more harm than good a lot of time, so I trust him and his judgement and we are checking into the hospital Sunday night to be induced Monday morning. I cried for a good long time yesterday b/c I had to accept that the way I had planned or dreamed labor would happen isn't the way it's going to happen. The way I thought I would get pregnant, also didn't happen, but what I have come to realize and accept is that God doesn't make mistakes. He knows exactly when the perfect time for us to conceive and for us to become actual parents. He gives doctors this knowledge to use science in ways to help us overcome bodily challenges. And although I am sad that I most likely will not get to labor at home or get to call Paul and say my water is broken, Paul and I will be parents, and the latest that is going to happen is Monday, and I thank God everyday that He gave me this opportunity. Stay tuned for details and pics and THANK YOU for riding along this journey with me.

Much love,
Samantha