Opening the Blog

So it's been an interesting few months since I started this blog. I have kept it closed off so the whole world wouldn't know every detail of my life and my fertility issues. Lately, I have felt led to want to share my story with anyone willing to listen. It is much easier to type my feelings than to actually say them aloud. So we have decided to remove our block so others may access our blog. If you have passed along our prayer requests feel free to share this blog with them as well. I am nervous to have everyone know, but I feel that I might help others by doing so.

I apologize upfront for any of my posts having too much information. I am not good at censoring my feelings or thoughts, so I put that disclaimer out there.

So let's get started...I went to the doctor today hoping to get answers as so why we cannot get pregnant and why IVF did not work for us. Of course, I was sorely disappointed to leave and still not have an answer. The only thing my doctor could say was "are you exposed to any toxins?" I mean seriously, I am an accountant, unless it's my 1938 house poisoning me, I think I am ok. I sit here and almost laugh about it (I cried earlier, so I guess it's good I can laugh now), I am a toxic mess. It is so frustrating to not have an answer. If anyone knows me, you know that I am a doer, I get things done, and for the first time in my life, I can't change anything. I walked into the doctor's office expecting to hear one of two things. 1. your eggs weren't great because of BLANK and we can fix that by doing BLANK or 2. Your eggs stink and you won't be able to have kids and you should file paperwork to adopt. See with either news we would be able to move forward and know that the end result would be a baby for Paul and I. Sometimes I feel like God just likes to play with my emotions, to see if I am really turning it over to Him. Well Lord, you got me, I am sitting here thinking I have no where to go but to You. Was that your plan all along? Our Doctor told us originally that he believed we would conceive with over 95% certainty. Paul asked our doctor again today, and his number dropped to 85-90%. It's hard for me to move forward with adoption when I have such a strong desire to have my own children and know that there is still at great chance that we will. I am left with the response everyone loves to give "God's timing." So Lord, hear my prayer, you once heard before..."And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish. Then she made a vow and said, 'O Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a male child, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall come upon his head" (1 Samuel 1:10-11)
Well I won't be picky on the sex, but Lord I do pray for a child I pray that you will bless us with a child. I pray that you will guide me into the area in which Your plan leads. Earlier today, I was mad, and mad at You, Lord I just need guidance, and I know you are the only one that can give it to me...so Lord please hear my prayer.
We left the doctor's office with other news that we didn't want to hear. Due to our home renovation, and other factors our doctor doesn't want to try and do IVF for atleast 3 months (6-8 weeks post construction). As you can imagine the doer in me wanted to pitch at 2 year old hissy fit (I think I did in my mind all day). He also said, not to give up on hope that we would conceive without help over this break. Well of course my accountant side came out and thought I know the odds of that happening, and well they ain't great, but none the less I will take it as a blessing to spend the summer not going to the doctor and not worrying about shots every five seconds and spending quality time with my wonderful husband. On that note, I want to brag on Paul. I am so fortunate to have him as my husband. He is so good to me. He loves me unconditionally and is so supportive of my mood swings. I would have never guessed that almost 11 years ago when we started dating that we would be going through this, but I think our long relationship (in terms of a 26 year old) has helped us get through the past two years with a smile most of the time. I love you honey!
Well I feel like I am rambling and there is so much more that I want to say but I will try and wrap this up...to start I love my friends and family. You all have been so great to me and support me, but I must put this disclaimer out there...Please know that although expanding the Ebert clan as not happened for us yet, it does not mean that we aren't totally excited for others when they do conceive. I view all children as a gift from God and that His timing is always perfect, so even though His timing isn't for us, please don't be scared to to tell us your pregnant, we love children and love that when we do have kids, there will be tons of kids to play with. (THIS WAS A GENERAL STATEMENT AND NOT DIRECTED TO ANYONE PARTICULAR)

Thank you all for your support and prayers.