A post from my wonderful husband Paul...

I am copying and pasting this word document that my husband sent me. These are his words and I choose not to change any of them b/c it would take away from all the emotions that he expresses. I am so thankful to have him as my husband. I hope to all of our fellow readers (family, friends, and strangers) this post is informational and beneficial to you. ~Samantha


From Paul:

This is basically a stream of consciousness about what our life has been like over the last few years. I don’t have the days and procedures exactly lined up but Samantha can probably fix those if she sees fit. I have been meaning to write a post on the blog, since my name is associated with it, for a while but haven’t gotten around to it. In fact I have a draft email that I started in my inbox dated August 25th so it is obviously something that I have been thinking about.
Day One – Tears. This day always brings heartache, it never matters how encouraging the last bit of news we received was, day one is always tearful. This day represents another month of trying come and gone, another month that we will never get back, and another month that leaves an unfulfilled feeling in our stomachs.
Day Two – Generally better than day one but not always. Day two brings the hope of the next month whether that is taking a break from treatment or if it is taking the next step in treatment. It brings with it a sense of resolve that we know it will happen it is just a matter of when. This is when my wife starts to pick herself up and starts dusting off her clothes to climb back on to the horse so to speak.
Day Three/Four – Doctor appointments start over, this is when we get baseline tests done, this is when our life is virtually planned for us, we know the days we will be away from work and come back to a cluttered desk to catch up on, we know that we won’t be going out of town this day or attending dinner with friends that night. Our sex life gets planned, have sex this day but not for the two weeks after. This is also when we find out the number of shots and the dosage of medicine that will be injected by Samantha into herself every day for two weeks. It also brings a sense of accomplishment, we know what we have to do to have the best chance of finally being successful, day three/four is generally a good day, relatively speaking.
Days 5-15 – The calm before the storm so to speak, not much going on physically, maybe some shots, there are so many I can’t keep up, it looks like I run a small pharmacy out of the fridge. Mentally however our thoughts and prayers are in overdrive. Will this be the month, what more can we do, how can we pray differently than last time, do our prayers contradict each other, we pray for his will and we pray specifically for a child are those prayers consistent with one another. Is it His will that we have a child, if it’s not what is his will for our lives, how can be still and listen with all of these thoughts in our head. We don’t know but we continue pray them, we pray for peace and calmness of mind and it helps to an extent but the thoughts are still churning. I catch myself staring at children in public, I cry at random television shows with children in them, we both are antsy and emotional, ready to get to the end of the month to just know one way or the other.
Day 16-40 – Big time shots start. Hormone levels start going crazy, one minute we’re happy the next depressed it becomes the true roller coaster ride. We are at the doctor every couple of days for tests, to draw blood, to check on how we’re progressing, does everything look normal. At any point during this time progress can be halted and we will have to start all over, we will have to let nature run its course, and we will know that day one is coming again, but that we have to wait on it. However if everything is going well we will get to the end we get to the day, where science will create life outside of our bodies and place it back into Samantha. Not the most romantic way to envision having children but it is the point where we are and we are thankful for the chance. We spend five days getting updates on cells and embryos letting us know if our babies are growing like they should be, and then there comes a day where they are put back in, and we have to wait two weeks to find out if it worked or not. Medicine delays day one until after the pregnancy test, if it is negative day one comes again and it starts all over, if it is positive we will have finally reached our goal, our prayers will have been answered and our family will grow by one, two, or even three.
This is a month in our life, the previous 24 or 25 months haven’t been exactly like this but this gives you the overall idea. If it doesn’t work we start all over, we cry, we ask why, we get angry, we get depressed, but we keep moving on. We plan and live our life around this schedule, it is our life and will be until we have a child, we are ok with that, we welcome it because this is something that we want that badly. We are a couple that named our unborn children close to 10 years ago. I married a woman who wants to be a mother and that is all she has ever wanted to be. She wants to be the mom with orange slices and Capri Suns at the soccer game, with the big obnoxious pins that have pictures of her children on them. It is our dream and that is why we do all of this. If the doctor tells us something might help no matter how far-fetched it may seem we will try it. Acupuncture has been mentioned as beneficial and Samantha is there a few times a month. Not eating certain foods can be beneficial and we try not to eat them. If it means that we need to be shut-ins and not leave the house that is what it will be.
It is probably something that a lot of you can’t understand and I pray that none of you reading this ever have to understand it. We don’t ask that you understand it or try to fix it for us, it is our burden and we will carry it, we just ask for prayer and encouragement. We apologize in advance if you catch us on a bad day and a “we just know that God will bless you with a child” is met with disdain and a “whatever”, we know that but it is hard to hear over and over, it is nothing personal I promise. Please know that we may not want to talk about it all of the time, we may not keep everyone updated with instant news, but we will try to keep you all informed about progress or set-backs, we just have to do it on our time table when we are ready, it may be that things get communicated through the blog because we can’t or don’t want to talk about it and that is our easiest outlet.
Thanks for all of your love and support. We are truly blessed to have so many people praying for us, even some that we don’t even know.
Paul Ebert