The weight

Disclaimer, this post may come across as ungrateful and that is not my intent at all, but this topic is something I am struggling with and well my blog has always been my sounding board. Here it goes.

Over the last 5 years my weight has been out of control. I mostly blame the act of getting pregnant as my starting point but age is also a factor. When Paul and I started trying to have kids I was in fairly good shape. I had gained a little in the two years we had been married at that point but that was ok because I was a little too skinny at my wedding. I have always been athletic and "smaller" so those few extra pounds didn't bother me. We then started infertility treatments and well the stress and hormones from that I put on a little more weight so about 15 pounds from the time I got married but I knew it would come off whenever I got pregnant because I planned on breastfeeding and everyone gets skinny while doing that right? Well needless to say I got pregnant with Sam and gained 29lbs in that pregnancy and lost about 15 or so of it within like 3 weeks and then after Sam was about 2 months old the weight started to come back on. I put on about 5 pounds and stayed there the rest of Sam's first year, despite exercising regularly and eating decent. Well as you all know, I got pregnant while still nursing and didn't get to lose that remaining 20lbs. I did lose a little after I stopped nursing despite being pregnant but that was not anywhere near 20lbs. I vowed to stay in shape and really workhard to stay fit during my pregnancy with Eli because I didn't want to end up gaining an additional 29lbs. I succeeded and only gained 11 lbs with Eli. So by the time I left the hospital I was pretty much back to where I was when I finished nursing Sam. I lost a little more weight right after Eli was born but wouldn't you know I started putting it back on. As you can imagine this is very very frustrating. Especially for someone who has always been "smaller" People even said to me when I was first pregnant with Eli how I didn't look so"swollen" anymore. Gee thanks. So once again, I am bigger than I wanted to be even bigger than when I delivered Eli I feel like and well it STINKS! I obviously can't go on a complete diet because I am nursing I can only choose to eat better. I just joined a gym and vow to exercise 5 times a week but in the end I don't think it is going to matter. Now, yes I know that I don't look like I just rolled off the Krispy Kreme truck but I don't look like myself either. This is where the depression has come in. I am so thankful that I have been able to have two children and nurse, so don't hear it as a complaint, I just am frustrated. I also know that I could quit ebf but isn't it my job as a mother to provide the very best for my children if possible? Wouldn't it be selfish of me, when God has given my the capability? (Now, note I am not knocking formula at all, this is just about me personally) I guess what I am saying is for the next 8 months I am going to not look my best and it could be even longer if the Lord blesses us with another child, so I need prayers, I need it for my attitude and mood.

Thanks!!

Much Love,
Samantha