Too much time

Well as you all know, I am at home on modified bed rest. I stay in bed all day only getting up to fix myself some food or use the restroom and then when Paul gets home I move from the bedroom to the living room and lay on the couch. I know this sounds like a dream job for anyone, but don't you know there is always a catch. I don't know if this saying is something I learned from my Grandparents or something from a movie but whoever said knows what they are talking about. "An idle mind is a Devil's playground" I was going to say "An idle mind is up to no good" but when I googled Idle mind the devil's playground felt more appropriate. Sorry I know I am rambling, but what I am trying to say is the Devil is working on my heart. I am starting to doubt the outcome of this cycle, I have feelings of jealousy and resentment, I question "why God?". I know this is due to my hormones, they have gotten my upset for the last 24 hours, and now I am in a tizzy. I don't understand, I cannot comprehend why I can enjoy my bed rest, talk to my precious babies one minute and the next minute I am completely upset thinking "what are we going to do if this doesn't work?" and "Why her, why can she get pregnant?" I mean talk about not having a good warming thoughts in your head for your children to latch on to. I know I am probably overreacting, but still, I question. I have figured out that Satan loves this. I know that God is in control and He knows the outcome and He knows what we will do next if this doesn't work (for now we are going to pray and think it does) and He will get me through the next few days, but man if Satan doesn't come fighting back. I just want to kick him b/c I like to think of myself as a nice person, I tend to be a little bossy now & then (no comment from you people) but overall a good person, but to have these thoughts, these doubts, can only come from one person or thing or whatever the Devil is...it's him trying to test my faith, but I will win, we all will.

A wise woman once told me two things I will never forget. 1. A man falls in love with what he sees and a woman falls in love with what she hears (now isn't that the truth) 2. A man becomes a father when he holds the baby in his arms, but a woman well she becomes a mother while carrying the child. You see I have learned in this abundance of time to do nothing, that I am a mother, and I have been before. Today I am a mother to two 9 day old children they aren't just embryos or blastocysts or whatever they are at this stage they are my miracles better stated God's miracles. In June I was a mother for 14 days. Although I may never hold these two new lives in my arms, I know without a doubt, that I am a mother. I love to talk to them to rub my belly and tell them to be strong and fight. I try and protect them (especially from Bella jumping on the stomach) as best I can and eat and drink only good things for them. I do all of these things just because, just because it's my instinct, my soul guiding me through this time. So if my babies lives are up before I get to hold them in my arms, I will be sad, I will mourn, but I won't ever doubt again that I wasn't a mother.