Humbling, is the word the that comes to mind when I think about the lastest leg of our journey. As all of you reading this know, we experienced another "day one" over the Thanksgiving holiday. This day one was different than all of the rest because Samantha and I both were so excited, our hopes were sky high, and we just knew that this was the time it was going to work, we were finally going to be pregnant. The first part of the week was hectic, getting packed to go to Decatur, I worked close to 30 hours on Monday and Tuesday together, but we were so excited for our doctors appointment on Wednesday and then getting to tell our families our expected good news. Samantha bought a "Mom and Dad to be" Christmas ornament which was going to be the way that she broke the news to me. However, after working until midnight on Monday, I woke up at 4:00 am to Samantha crying, after taking a home pregnancy test that we all know was negative. It was heart breaking, there was nothing I could do or say to make her feel better. We went on about our day on Tuesday, gloomy and sad, already knowing the outcome for the once promising doctor's appointment in the morning. Got up early on Wednesday, went to the pointless doctor's appointment, and drove home to Decatur to see our families. All of this was not the humbling part, the humbling part happened after Samantha posted the bad news on the blog on Wednesday afternoon. This is when the outpouring of love started. Over the last week we, Samantha mainly, have received text messages, e-mails, cards, phone calls, comments all full of love, giving us gentle encouragement, letting us know that there are lots of people out there praying for us. This is the part that was humbling, this is the part that was hard for us to see last Tuesday morning at 4 am but this is the part that gives us the strength to keep getting back up and taking the next step. It was humbling to see all of the people that are not only carrying their burdens but a little part of ours as well. We are so grateful and blessed to have each and every one you in our lives, to have all of the prayers, some coming from people we have never met, it is truly amazing to see God's love working in our lives. This process although difficult has brought many blessings into our lives, it has strenghthened our depedence on God, it has made us grow closer together, and it has developed and nurtured relationships that weren't a part of our life a little over two years ago. During this past week, one of the thoughts that was constantly in my mind was what do people who don't believe in God do in times like this, I couldn't fathom having to go through all of this without the prayer and support that we have had, I would truly be a miserable person, and couldn't fulfill my duties as a husband, christian, or friend without it. This is meant to be a heartful thank you to everyone that has been a part of our lives over the last two years. I hope that one day Samantha and I get to return the favor and shower our love and prayers on you when you need it most. You have truly humbled us, we love you all.
Paul Ebert
3 years ago
Posts
Sam,
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if you remember me, my name is Kristen (Smith)Langley and I graduated high school with you. I stumbled across your blog through Briana's. Normally, and I hate to admit this, but I am just the "blog stalker", but this morning I felt compelled to write to you. I married my husband in July of 2004, and right away we started trying to have a baby. Well, needless to say, it did not work. As I have read your blog, I have sat here and cried uncontrollably (both good and bad tears) because I know your pain. It is an inconsolable pain that no one can take away. I understand your conflicting feelings with God. One minute your thinking about how blessed you are in your life, but the next minute, you are so angry that this has happened to you and you wonder what you did to deserve this punishment. I understand. I am a Labor and Delivery nurse, and had to have this thrown in my face literally every day, as if I didn't think about it constantly. I felt less of a woman, because this is a gift that God gave to women only. I understand the feeling of wanting to get to a point of being able to move forward. Right now you feel as if you are spinning your wheels in the mud, and going no where, just expending all of your energy. Just know that it is not a punishment, it is a journey, and everyone with infertility issues has a different journey and they all end differently as well. I went through deep, dark depressions where I did not talk to anyone, including God or my husband. There were times I did not bathe, get out of bed, or even turn on the TV, I just sat there in silence, in self pity, wondering "Why me?" I too was on strict bedrest for 3 weeks due to ovarian hyperstimulation last Decemeber. I didn't even celebrate Christmas, and I don't mean the present part of it, I didn't celebrate at all. I didn't celebrate the birth of our Lord. How horrible I feel now. Then one day, the Lord spoke to me and I knew I needed to change my ways. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I have always been the harsh, sarcastic, tough person, but it was just to hide the hurt. I truly made an effort to change my outlook on life, re-establish relationships that I had let go (with God, my husband, my mother), and be a different person. It was so hard. The hardest part was not being jealous or angry when I heard one of my friends was pregnant. I missed my college roommates baby shower and birth of her son, because of all of this. She understood, but that does not make it right. From what I have read on your blog, you have great support from your husband, and so far have seemed to maintain quite a strong relationship with God. Please do not let that go like I did. It only puts you in a worse place. But do know, He will always forgive you and take you back. I am happy to report that after 5 years of trying to get pregnant, all of the pills, self injections, peeing on sticks, doctors appointments, negative results, etc., that we are expecting our first son any day now. His name is Nathan, which means "gift from God" because he truly is. The fear is always still there though. Infertility has its highs, but its lows can be so very low, and the fear of being that low again never goes away, but it is overshadowed by joy!! Your journey will have an end too, and its not always the one that we think should happen. I always joked with my patients that have gone through infertility that infertility patients will talk about their infertility and treatments with anyone who will listen, and its true. If you dont talk about it though, it becomes a rock, a boulder, that just weighs on your soul. Please feel free to email me (kristen42183@yahoo.com) at anytime. The RN in me loves to educate people about infertility because it is a world in itself and until you have been there you just dont know. I will continue to read your blog and pray for you and your husband.