Christmas and Randomness

I hope all of you enjoyed Christmas and got to have some R&R. This year Christmas was weird to me. I am sure it had to do with the long nights at work leading up until Christmas Eve that kept me out of the Christmas spirit. I finally started singing Christmas carols about 5pm on Christmas day, I guess a little late is better than never at all. Paul and I had a good Christmas, but as usual our desire to have children still weighs constantly on our mind. Maybe it is due to the fact that every holiday is when my cycle is due or maybe it's because it's another year gone by that we still aren't pregnant or the fact that I realized I might not ever get to play Santa Claus. I know most of you out there are thinking no you will, but I guess I still worry. It's also awful when you get upset at looking a baby Jesus because it's a baby that you don't have. I mean what kind of Christian gets upset with God over the most wonderful gift ever given?
We haven't heard back from the Foster Care agency since I turned in our application, so now I start to worry that they think we won't be good parents. Being around family and friends is also hard on the holidays, some infertility specialists suggest skipping out on those type outings but being that family is such a huge thing in my life I can't miss that time. I also hate that trying to have a child is controlling my life, even though I try not to let it, I know that it still does.
While out shopping with my mother, sister Michelle, and tater Faith, I came across a piece of art that I felt like spoke right to my heart. It says: "Having faith in God also means having faith in His timing." I decided that I might need to purchase that picture and hang it in the house as another reminder that God hears my prayer and he does have a plan for my life.
As excited that I am about fostering, I am still anxious about children of my own. Like I said earlier, I try not to thinking about it constantly, but when everyone else in your life is sharing the news or updating you with new pictures, it's kind of hard to deny the fact that you still don't have a child. My sister Michelle was sweet to send me some books after the last IVF cycle didn't work. I am a slow reader, but I have really enjoyed reading one of the books she got me. I suggest the book to anyone struggling or wanting to understand more about Infertility. The book is Unsung Lullabies by Janet Jaffe and Martha & David Diamond. They are 3 psychologists. It helps to hear their view nd confirms that I am not totally crazy. Here is an excerpt from the book. "What is Reproductive Trauma? ...A trauma is any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both...What makes the experience of infertility a trauma? The diagnosis of infertility and the medical interventions often needed to treat it, represent a threat to our physical integrity, our sense of being healthy and whole. One of the most fundamental aspects of our physical selves is our reproductive capability. When that does not function properly, we doubt everything else. Infertility is a trauma because it attacks both the physical and emotional sense of self, it presents us with multiple, complicated losses, it affects our most important relationships and it shifts our sense of belonging in the world. When you are diagnosed with infertility, the world as your previously knew it crumbles...The trauma of infertility is such that what you had taken for granted and expected is lost. Moreover, like a solider who must return to battle again and again, you face an accumulation of traumatic losses when, month after month, another menstrual cycle occurs, the procedure doesn't work, or an intervention must be cancelled. Infertile couples constantly re-experience their loss- and are consequently re-traumatized-month after month. Not only do you react to one failed intervention, you react to the cumulative effect of all that you have undergone. The snowballing effect of all the treatments, all the trying, takes its toll....Giving voice to your feelings gives you some relief from the trauma of infertility...."

With that being said thanks for listening to my feelings. ~Samantha